Sounds of silence

Did you ever wonder what it is like about not to be able to get pregnant? logo awareness

In this multitasking world, we want it all. Career, love and a baby. Mostly you get what you want if you work hard enough to reach your goals. But, no matter how hard you try, a baby is not in the stars for everyone.

One in six couples experience difficulty conceiving. Not always an easy topic to talk about. Everyone around you gets pregnant easily, but you. You are fighting. For years.

It is easy to talk about your successes in your career. But you feel the pain in your heart about your infertility and you do not want people to talk about your private problems. If people ask, you do not give an honest answer. People often hurt your feelings, as they do not know your story. You hear many jokes that are not funny. You cannot blame them, because you do not tell that your second IVF attempt just failed. You cry in silence, looking everytime for a safe place where you can hide.

I remember those days, working in the office, wishing for a miracle every second but never having send one your way. I hid away in the quiet disabled toilet, I called my love to tell that again we did not succeed. I cried silent tears, breathe in slowly and breathe out and then I had to put on my happy face and get back to work. You have to overcome this one as well.

If you get pregnant you get sixteen weeks off. If you are in IVF, you just need to keep on working, surviving day by day, stuffed with hormones, no one knows about all the disappointments you are dealing with.

One day I decided to tell people. But, who do you trust to tell? When people asked me the direct question, I answered them truthfully. ‘Yes, we do want to have a baby, but sometimes you are not that lucky. You do not get what you dream of…’ This time it was not my sound of silence, but the person who asked. Shocked by my honest answer. It felt good. This infertility situation gave me so much stress by not talking about it. It was a breakthrough to start talking and a weight was lifted from our shoulders. People care and I discovered we were not the only one. I truly believed I was an exception.

I wrote down my story about my experiences and emotions, my book was published in the Netherlands last year. Thousands of people read it and loved it, even those without fertility problems. It was also a challenge to overcome to share my personal story to all the people I know, and people I don’t know.

Now I find out there are thousands of people experiencing the same pain, feeling the same emotions. They recognize their emotions completely in my story, it is like I told their story. It was the story I had wanted to read before we started our ride in the IVF rollercoaster.

I learned to be proud. We were able to give everything we had to chase our dreams. My love Frank and I were in it together. We found a way to survive.

After every disappointment, we booked a trip. Somewhere close to our home country The Netherlands, like Germany of Belgium, sometimes we had to travel far to Brazil or Indonesia to retrieve our happiness inside and have a physically great distance between travel destination and the hospital. We created our peaks in life.

Our journey was not easy at all, but we managed to stay happy.

The impact of IVF on our daily life was enormous. But I think today we can enjoy the moments of happiness in our life even more.

Thankfully our story has a happy end. We got a beautiful little girl, our Felicia is our everyday joy and pleasure. I see it a compliment when people tell me they’d also have loved our story if this miracle had not happened to us. Just by the way of living, living the good life. Be happy and grateful. Cherish the beautiful things in life and know that the peaks you can create yourself. I think this struggle made me a happier and stronger person today.

Anne Tel , Writer ‘Paaseitjes zoeken in het AMC’

The Netherlands, published in 2012

Thanks to Helen Adrienne ( who inspired me to write this blog.